THE DAILY ANCHOR (Independent Cruise News)
SCANDAL ON DECK 9: Leaked Video Shows President Lance Drinking a Mocktail
MIAMI – The Lance Campaign was thrown into absolute chaos this morning following the leak of a damning, high-definition video showing President-elect Lance sitting poolside, deliberately consuming what experts confirm was a “Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri.” [1]
The footage, captured by an anonymous drone hovering near the adults-only solarium, shows Lance clearly rejecting an extra shot of rum offered by the pool bartender, opting instead for a tiny paper umbrella and an extra slice of lime. [1]
The political fallout was instantaneous.
“This goes against everything this campaign stands for,” shouted an angry voter outside a local tavern. “We elected a man born from a pub crawl on the Norwegian Dawn. If he’s staying hydrated on his own accord, what is Secretary LaWanda even doing?”
Treasury Secretary Cathie immediately called an emergency press conference to manage the economic damage. “The funds for that beverage were tracked and audited,” Cathie insisted, nervously shuffling a stack of cocktail napkins. “It was a tactical, low-sugar choice to ensure the President could survive the afternoon trivia tournament. It was an asset, not a liability.”
Attorney General Mike has already filed a motion to suppress the video, claiming the drone violated maritime privacy laws by filming within a designated “Happy Hour Zone.”
Meanwhile, First Lady / Vice President Marilyn issued a brief, terrifying statement via social media: “He had a headache. If everyone doesn’t calm down, I’m canceling the four-day weekend.”