Our Story

It all started in May 2025 during an aggressive pub crawl aboard the Norwegian Dawn. Somewhere between the third margarita and a questionable karaoke performance, world domination felt like the next logical step. “Lance for President” was born.

LANCE – CODENAME: Spike

To save on the federal budget, Marilyn – CODENAME: Bam Bam, will make history as the world’s very first dual-threat First Lady/Vice President. Before the ship docked, we handpicked our Australian Ambassador (Danielle – CODENAME: Vegemite) and filled the most critical Cabinet posts with fellow survivors of the cruise.

The Official Lance Administration Cabinet

A New Department: The Department of Festivity, Infrastructure, and Liquid Assets (FILA): Wayne, Grand Chancellor of Chaos & Chief Packet Router – CODENAME: Chaos

  • The Profile: Overseeing the nation’s digital infrastructure and enforcing absolute dominance on the local nightlife circuit. Wayne is a ruthless tactician trained in the brutal art of late-night pub crawl logistics. He commands the administrative network with a simple, terrifying doctrine: if any corporate server experiences a major system crash after 4:00 PM, we will immediately initiate an authorized bar crawl. Unchecked “Reply All” email usage on a company-wide thread is now legally classified as a federal felony.

Department of State: Derryl, Chief Buffet Diplomat – CODENAME: Cruiser

  • The Profile: Managing international relations with a heavy sigh and an open bar tab. Derryl has officially banned formal suits in favor of cruise-casual Hawaiian shirts. His foreign policy centers on launching aggressive trade wars over lukewarm buffet shrimp. He handles tense geopolitical standoffs by threatening to leave international leaders a scathing, one-star review on TripAdvisor.

Department of the Treasury: Cathie, Sovereign Accountant – CODENAME: Princess

  • The Profile: In charge of federal finances, hidden bar tabs, and absolute economic chaos. Cathie successfully balanced the campaign budget by classifying all missing funds as “liquid assets” spent on premium cruise excursions. Her new tax reform replaces the IRS with a giant, confusing spreadsheet that even the FBI cannot decode. It automatically deletes the national debt whenever the country orders a round of shots.

Department of Defense: Dave, Fleet Commander – CODENAME: Towelman

  • The Profile: Overseeing the nation’s military and enforcing absolute dominance on the high seas. Dave is a ruthless tactician trained in the brutal art of early-morning deck chair warfare. He commands the armed forces with a simple, terrifying doctrine: if any foreign nation touches our borders, we will immediately confiscate their towels. Pool chair reservation prior to 6:00 AM is now legally classified as a federal felony.

Department of Justice (Attorney General): Mike, Chief Legal Shield – CODENAME: Loophole

  • The Profile: Enforcing federal laws and arguing the administration out of late-night noise complaints. Mike is a legal mastermind who once successfully argued that a 2:00 AM karaoke incident on Deck 9 was protected under international maritime freedom of speech. He is currently rewriting the United States Constitution to fit entirely on the back of a cocktail napkin.

Department of the Interior: Suzy, Guardian of the Wild – CODENAME: Ranger

  • The Profile: Managing federal lands, natural resources, and premium outdoor leisure. Suzy treats the entire national parks system like a series of exclusive VIP shore excursions. Her new environmental mandate ensures every single citizen has automatic access to prime shade, scenic views, and local wildlife encounters. Feeding the bears is fine, but skipping a scheduled tour will result in immediate federal fines.

Department of Health and Human Services: LaWanda, Registered Nurse – CODENAME: Nightshift

  • The Profile: Bringing terrifyingly accurate medical authority to federal healthcare. LaWanda has legally classified “an apple a day” as a mandatory national directive. Her healthcare reform includes a federal IV drip of electrolytes for the country, a complete ban on bright morning sunlight, and an automatic audit of your blood pressure if you look at her wrong.

Department of Labor: Jessica, Workplace Enforcer – CODENAME: Vibecheck

  • The Profile: Strategically assigned to protect the nation’s workforce after demonstrating incredible stamina during the cruise. Jessica believes productivity is a social construct invented by people who don’t drink enough water. Her first federal workplace mandate guarantees every American citizen a mandatory 2-hour midday nap, a subsidized coffee allowance, and a 4-day weekend whenever the “vibes are off.”

Department of Commerce: Camellia, The Ultimate Entrepreneur – – CODENAME: Sharktank

  • The Profile: Fired Scrooge McDuck for hoarding cash; Camellia was brought in to actually multiply it. She is turning the entire U.S. economy into a series of highly profitable side hustles and subscription models. Her chief initiative is a mandatory federal shark tank where citizens must pitch their startup ideas directly to her face to receive tax breaks.

Department of Agriculture: Homer Simpson, Donut Czar – CODENAME: Pink Frosting

  • The Profile: Resolving national food shortages through industrial pastry production. Homer has officially banned all green vegetables, classifying broccoli as an enemy of the state. His new agricultural infrastructure replaces traditional crop rotation with a federally subsidized donut supply. All high-fructose corn syrup pipelines have been rerouted directly into local school cafeterias.

Department of Housing and Urban Development: Bob the Builder, Chief Architect – CODENAME: Digger

  • The Profile: Tackling the national housing crisis with zero bureaucracy and maximum tools. Bob has dissolved all local zoning laws, replacing city councils with a crew of talking construction vehicles. His first executive mandate states that any housing crisis can be solved in a 30-minute episode if everyone sings the theme song. If he can’t fix it, no one can.

Department of Transportation: The Road Runner, Transit Director – CODENAME: Beep Beep

  • The Profile: Developing transit policies focused entirely on high-speed rail, rocket skates, and sudden acceleration. The Road Runner has banned all speed limits, replaced traffic lights with painted optical illusions on mountain walls, and made ACME Corporation the exclusive supplier of federal vehicles. Commuters are advised to watch the skies for falling anvils.

Department of Energy: Buzz Lightyear, Star Command Grid Chief – CODENAME: Laser

  • The Profile: Powering the national energy grid “to infinity and beyond.” Buzz has completely abolished fossil fuels, replacing the entire electrical infrastructure with experimental crystalline batteries. The nation’s power lines now glow a bright laser-beam green. Anyone caught wasting electricity will be court-martialed by the Space Rangers.

Department of Education: Professor X, Headmaster General – CODENAME: Mr. Mind

  • The Profile: Setting federal academic policy and grading exams via instant telepathy. Professor X has completely eliminated homework, pop quizzes, and physical textbooks. He monitors the collective intelligence of American students using a giant Cerebro helmet in the Oval Office. Cheating on a test is now physically impossible, as he will read your mind and give you a detention before you even think of the wrong answer.

Department of Veterans Affairs: Captain America, First Soldier – CODENAME: Old School

  • The Profile: Providing healthcare, benefits, and unyielding support to the nation’s heroes. Because absolutely nobody understands a veteran’s medical needs better than a 100-year-old super-soldier who spent decades frozen in ice. His department features zero wait times, premium vibranium prosthetics, and a mandatory federal requirement to stand at attention whenever he enters the room.

Department of Homeland Security: The Mystery Inc. Gang & Scooby-Doo, Threat Unmaskers

  • The Profile: Securing the nation against domestic and supernatural threats by driving around in a brightly painted van. The gang bypassed the traditional congressional confirmation process by successfully proving that a local security threat was just a disgruntled real estate developer wearing a rubber mask. They operate entirely on federal Scooby Snacks, saving the taxpayers billions.

Department of Homeland Security: The Mystery Inc. Gang & Scooby-Doo, Threat Unmaskers – CODENAME: Meddle

  • The Profile: Securing the nation against domestic and supernatural threats by driving around in a brightly painted van. The gang bypassed the traditional congressional confirmation process by successfully proving that a local security threat was just a disgruntled real estate developer wearing a rubber mask. They operate entirely on federal Scooby Snacks, saving the taxpayers billions.

Citizen Reviews (What the Voters Are Saying)

 
  • ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Best economic policy ever.”
    “I pitched my dog’s Instagram account to Secretary Camellia in the federal Shark Tank. She told me my business plan was garbage but she liked my hustle, so she gave me a 50% tax break and a subscription to her newsletter. The country is thriving.”
    — Kevin M., Ohio
  • ⭐☆☆☆☆ “Too much walking, too much water.”
    “Secretary LaWanda caught me drinking a Red Bull at 7:00 AM. She smacked it out of my hand, checked my blood pressure on the spot, and placed me on a mandatory 9:00 PM federal bedtime. I am terrified of the executive branch now.”
    — Brenda T., Florida
  • ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Dave is a national hero.”
    “I went to the community pool at 5:45 AM and some guy tried to put a towel on a chair and walk away. Out of nowhere, Secretary Dave dropped from a helicopter, confiscated the towel, and cited him for a federal felony. The borders are safe.”
    — Jason L., Texas
  • ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Highly efficient education system.”
    “I was about to cheat on my chemistry final, but Professor X beamed the answer key directly into my brain, gave me an A, and then gave me a 30-minute mental detention for thinking about a messy locker. 10/10 no more studying.”
    — Sarah P., Age 16
  • ⭐⭐☆☆☆ “The traffic is out of hand.”
    “Ever since the Road Runner took over transportation, my commute is just dodging giant anvils and driving through tunnels that turn out to be painted on the sides of mountains. Plus, Homer Simpson’s donut pipelines are leaking glaze all over the highway.”
    — Gary W., Arizona

Executive Order #001: The Marilyn Directive

By order of First Lady / Vice President Marilyn:

  • Section 1: Lance is no longer allowed to make foreign policy decisions after midnight.
  • Section 2: All federal meetings will strictly enforce a 15-minute cap unless snacks are provided.
  • Section 3: The President must consult the Vice President before launching any nuclear options or ordering a third round of shots.

Executive Order #002: The Sanity & Snack Act

By order of First Lady / Vice President Marilyn:
 
  • Section 1: The Vibe Check Mandate
    Pursuant to the advice of Labor Secretary Jessica, if the “vibes are off” on any given Monday, the federal government will officially declare a National Sick Day. The entire population is ordered to stay in bed, leave the blinds closed, and watch trash television until the energy stabilizes.
  • Section 2: The Buffet Line Code of Conduct
    Following extensive diplomatic research by State Secretary Derryl, cutting in any line—whether for groceries, coffee, or a cruise buffet—will now be treated as an act of domestic terrorism. Violators will be turned over to Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Inc. gang for public unmasking.
  • Section 3: President Lance’s Micro-Management Ban
    President Lance is hereby stripped of his right to hold meetings before his second cup of coffee. Furthermore, any attempt by the President to expense “late-night campaign strategy sessions” that look identical to a pub crawl will be automatically audited and denied by Treasury Secretary Cathie

Executive Order #3: Core Mandates
  • The Deck Chair Doctrine: Early-morning towel reservation without physical occupancy results in immediate loss of citizenship.
  • The Server-to-Tavern Protocol: Any IT or network crash occurring after 4:00 PM requires an immediate office evacuation to the nearest pub.
  • The Federal Hydration Initiative: Broccoli is officially contraband, and the national crop rotation is replaced by industrial donut production.